Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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