Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
