why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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