Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
