Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
