If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
