Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
