Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
