I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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