my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
