dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
