Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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