Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
