I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
