you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
