I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
