the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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