when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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