I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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