I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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