i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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