You just made me feel so damn special
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
