"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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