well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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