wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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