I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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