twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
