I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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