If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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