Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
