his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
