none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
