Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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