sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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