the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
