I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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