im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
