her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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