I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
