what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I love having hate sex.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize