We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
