If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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