as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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