I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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