in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize