Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
