Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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