When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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