She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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