I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
