How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
