I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
