Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
