Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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