Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
