What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
