No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
