I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize