you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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