the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You are a genius and a whore.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
