No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
