saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
