I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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