didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
