mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
