Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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