So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ladies don't puke and tell
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
